Last night I dreamed she was alive.  I dreamed that when I left for school, she was in the hospital, but when I came back, they told me she was recovering really well.  They had to monitor her to make sure that the cancer wouldn't spread again, but she was ok!  She was beautiful again, laughing and lively.  And all of the pain, the grief, and the problems that we had to face when she passed never happened.  We were all happy again...It's been three months...why am I still crying?

you know those times that you wish you coudl just get out of where you8 are because you feel absolutely TRAPPED?  i want to escape right now, far away from home.  instead, i'm stuck in a pit full of sorrow, bitterness and anger (not of my own making and certainly not replenished by me), a pit out of which i must swim.  ironies of ironies, HA HA HA HA HA, I CAN'T SWIM!!!!!  sometimes (especially right now facing *ahem* certain people, i don't even feel welcome at home in the arms of my "loving family." i just wish the angry tirades, useless or otherwise, would end and finally leave this new house in peace!

*sigh* i want to cry, but who to cry to?  i know many of you will offer a shoulder and words of endearment (it's alright, everything is going to be alright, you'd say) but you don't even know what's wrong!  (and nothing can ever fix anything that's wrong)

for those of you who don't know what's wrong (and i know it's most of you) it's a chinese thing, to keep all your dirty laundry inside the house so i won't air it.  besides, you need not worry about it. 

                                         with a love that hasn't been able to fix anything,

                                                       cat  = {

i'll be the first to admit: i don't know what to say to apologize.

i wish that we had a connection between us so that we would know what the other is thinking and know how to fix what's wrong in a heartbeat.  i love you.

thinking...thinking...thinking...

                  reality sucks...but so does the world in my head...where to run to now?

thinking...thinking...thinking...

Ever wondered what the poem in my profile is all about? 

The poem 'The Lady of Shalott' by Tennyson is thought 
to be loosely based on Elaine, the fair maid who was in 
love with Sir Lancelot of Arthurian legend, as portrayed 
in Sir Thomas Malory's 'Morte D'Arthur'.
Lancelot, alas, only had eyes for Queen Guinevere, so 
Elaine locked herself in a tower on the island of Shalott 
and died of a broken heart.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

Currently Playing Killing Me Softly By The Fugitives see related

are we as bad as our worst deeds?  or is our goodness measured by how much we disdain the deeds of others?  are we all so sin free that we can cast stones at others?

i have many regrets in life, but the ones closest to my heart, the worst had to do with trusting the wrong people.  never bear your heart and soul unless you know that it can be safe.  but nowadays, how safe can it be?

              ~a meditation in two verses~